UK UNIVERSITIES SLIP IN WORLD RANKINGS
Russell Group worried as UK crown slips
New data shows that British Universities have slipped in world rankings, and are no longer global leaders in the core areas of drinking, shagging and drugs.
"This is very worrying news" said Jarvis Rimjob, of the Russell Group of Universities. "We have been using our reputation as a guarantee for students to get mashed up beyond belief then laid all over campus to convince students the world over to raise the funds to meet our exorbitant university fees for the last 25 years. Now this is all in jeopardy thanks the lacklustre efforts of some so called educators."
The government is rising to meet the problem. Education secretary Nicky Morgan has said that by the start of the new academic year 500 thousand gallons of alcopops are to be delivered at heavily subsidised rates, along with a with a new leaflet 'promiscuous sex - you're well missing out'.
A spokesman would not confirm that university campuses would become amnesty zones for drug dealers, but did comment, "We're all in this together. How much you looking for bruv?"