TIM PEAKE CANCELS RETURN TO EARTH AFTER REALISING EVERYTHING DOWN HERE IS SHIT
UK astronaut prefers staring out of window to being at home
UK astronaut Tim Peake has cancelled his scheduled return to Earth on Saturday after realising everything down here is shit.
The UK astronaut had been preparing to return to Earth after an historic six-month mission to the space station but has U-turned at the last minute after deciding that a life of literally staring into space is preferable to UK civilisation in 2016.
Speaking via a live link Peake said: “I’ll admit that after the initial excitement of arriving here, it’s been the most boring six months of my life. All there is to do is admire the view of the earth but when you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it a thousand times, which I have obviously. I remember going on a caravanning holiday as a kid where it rained all week and it’s been a bit like that.”
“However, after packing up my jim-jams I got to thinking that even with sod all to do, it’s shit loads better up here than being at home with the weather and the trains and everything so I’m staying here for good.”
“It won’t be much of a life for me going forward I can either suspend myself weightlessly over here in this part of the space station of over there in that part of the space station and that’s pretty much it. I’m much better off though than being at home with the endless bills and traffic and nothing on the telly.”
During his stay, he has made the first spacewalk by a UK astronaut and remotely steered a robot on Earth.
“That used up a couple of afternoons,” said Peake “But apart from that there’s been f$%k all else happening. We had the football beamed into us the other day and it all got a bit Marseille with the Russians up here but to be honest it was hard to get any good punches in with the whole anti-gravity thing. It ended up as a bit of handbags really.”
“Still, anything is better than being back down there listening to David Cameron, Boris Johnson or Nigel bloody Farage."
A Soyuz capsule carrying Major Peake and two other crew members was scheduled to land in Kazakhstan at 10:15 BST on Saturday but will now just carry the two Russians.