‘I’M SHAVED AND READY FOR MY SPRAY TAN’ SAYS ED BALLS
'A ten from Len gives me stronger mandate than Corbyn' says former shadow front bencher
The argument for the permanent abolition of the TV license fee was further strengthened this morning amid news that Ed Balls is joining Strictly Come Dine With Me.
“I’ve done some proper embarrassing stuff in my time, losing a labour stronghold at the last election, joining the board of Norwich City, marrying Yvette Cooper, but this might just top the lot,” says Balls, adding, “I’m mad me, like Angela Eagle.”
But wily Balls knows that with Labour currently tearing itself to pieces with a bitter leadership battle, some top drawer baffoonary and playing to the sympathies of millions of middle class women every Saturday night might leave the door ajar for a return to mainstream politics.
“A ten from Len would give me a stronger mandate than Jeremy Corbyn currently enjoys so I think this is the springboard I need to get back into frontline politics.”
“Boris bloody Johnson was forever mowing down kids on a sports field or getting stuck on a zip wire and the public lapped it up. By the time I’ve trodden my size 10’s all over the dainty toes of some Polish piece and given Craig Revel Horseshit some slaver I’ll be back in business. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I’m shaved and ready for my spray tan.”