“WEEERZ ALL DA BIATCHES, YO?!”
Hopeless sports day kid Clattenburg joins big boys with Finals tattoos
Referee Mark Clattenburg has finally achieved his boyhood dreams of sporting glory -almost!
"Clats" as he likes to be known by the lads down the gym, is as proud as punch to have finally proved his old gym teacher Mr Watson wrong, as despite not being good enough to reach the pinnacles of the sport as a player, he has done the next best thing and done it as a referee! Thereby giving heart to hopeless nerds everywhere!
And to celebrate Clats has gone out and got himself "inked", so he'll never forget!
"They used to tie me up in one of those net bags used for collecting balls, hang it from the cross bar, and use me for target practise. And when the teachers had finished they'd let the kids have a go,” explains Clats.
“Well they can't laugh now! Look, these tattoos show everyone that I was the ref in these finals and that means I'm the best. Ever. I got to talk to Cristiano Ronaldo and everything. In fact it means I'm just as good as him. And as for the ladies, well there'll be no more laughing at the size of my willy when they see my tattoos! Eh? Eh! How d'ya like them apples!"
The 41 year old from County Durham then put on a pair of sunglasses, made some arthritic shapes with his fingers, which he later explained were attempts at gang signs, pulled his jeans halfway down his buttocks, and left with a funny walk muttering something about, "weerz all da biatches yo...."
Fellow once crap-at-sports-and-look-at-me-now merchant, Graham Poll, asked to be interviewed on the subject but we declined. "Please talk to me about Mark's Tattoos, please. I beg you, talk to me, people are forgetting who I am...."