“MOVE YOUR LEGS A BIT AFTER FILLING YOUR FAT FACE”
Government issues clarification on cycling health advice
The Department of Health has today issued fresh guidelines on the health benefits related to cycling after a spate of billy bunters were found free-wheeling downhill to Greggs and were shocked to find this didn’t make them Bradley Wiggins.
“We’ve clarified our advice on the benefits of cycling,” said one Health expert, “It helps if you move your legs round a bit when riding your bike. You cause less traffic to build up behind you that way. Also, if you do need a pasty or a sausage roll, we suggest cycling both there and back to burn the fat and carbs after you’ve filled your fat face.”
But the new guidelines have been met with scepticism by some who feel this is another example of the nanny state intervening in people’s lives.
“I’ve been cycling for literally minutes this morning and look at me now,” says Dale from Greasborough who is nearly 2lbs lighter after a 30 minute dump and 2 minute freewheel to the shops.
“I’m sick to bloody death at being lectured to every five minutes by this government. First it was this 30 minutes of active exercise every day. I found I lost more weight spending 30 minutes on the khazi and that’s a routine I’m able to stick to, but now there’s this.”
“If I want to ride downhill for a Chicken and Mushroom slice and a doughnut then that’s what I’ll bloody do. I can squeeze the bike in a minicab if they drop the back seats so that’s how I get home, these unlicensed immigrant cab drivers are very accommodating. I’m doing my bit for integration too.”