FOG ON THE TYNE
Sound of silent tills haunts Ashley
Tears flowed into the mighty Tyne river last night as it was confirmed that once proud Newcastle United, League champions as recently as 1927, have been relegated for the second time in a decade.
The tears were heaviest from the seat of power itself - the boardroom at Sports Direct Stadium sponsored by payuporwe'llbreakyourlegs.com money lenders.
A statement from the club said, "We would like to assure supporters that no one feels the pain of this relegation more than us. Relegation for this club is a disaster"
"For starters the share value has dropped off the edge of a cliff meaning that Mike's chances of making a ridiculous profit by selling the club are minimised.
Also we won't be able to charge astronomical entrance fees with as much justification. Sponsorship will dwindle. And all those knock on sales like beer, pies, programmes and shirts will suffer. I mean the indignity of having to play Rotherham and Burton. They're going to bring sod all with em, all I can hear is silent tills.
And don't even start me on the TV money. That's the sweetest cherry of them all! Oh I'm sorry I can't carry on with this, it's too emotional *sob* "
Newcastle are firmly blaming their relegation on their flippant decision to pursue cup glory over Premier League survival. They were knocked out of both in the third round.