ANGELA EAGLE’S POPULARITY POLLS BELOW CORBYN, SUTCLIFFE AND SYPHILIS AS PAPER MACHE REVOLUTION FIZZLES OUT
Leadership challenge doomed to fail as PLP put forward only two candidates capable of doing a worse job
Angela Eagle has fallen on her sword and withdrawn from the labour leadership race, although it appears it was actually the multiple swords of the Labour Party rank and file. And she was standing up.
Eagle's initial optimism and enthusiasm that she was doing the right thing to try to save the Labour Party quickly turned to a realisation she was only doing the right thing to try to save her career.
The paper mâché revolution began to fizzle out when the plotters only managed to put forward as their heir apparent the only two MP’s capable of doing a worse job than General Jez.
A close colleague said, "Angela decided to give it up when polls suggested she was less popular with the public than the bloke who brought sausage rolls to the ISIS family fun day."
In fact polls suggest Eagle was the second most unpopular thing in the UK beating only Michael Gove after a tie break vote cast by his wife Sarah Vine settled the score. Jeremy Corbyn, Simon Cowell, Peter Sutcliffe and Syphilis all polled way above her in the popularity stakes.
Eagle said at her press conference to announce the news, "Hi, hope everyone’s ok? Thanks for coming. Both of you. Right, well, bit of a blow but er ‘fraid I'm pulling out. Of what? The leadership race. Labour Party. Remember? That event that looked like a fragrance launch?”
“I'd like to ask all my followers, namely my sister Maria, to transfer their support to the other bloke. You know, the other hopeless backbencher. So we can present a united front to stop General Jez, and ensure that we keep Socialists out of the Labour Party. Nibbles anyone?"
When asked for Mr Corbyn's reaction to the disclosure, a spokesman said, "Oh aye, eighty per cent of the party members behind him, he's shitting it. Now if you'll excuse us we've got a shove ha'penny drive to get to in Barnsley and Jez has got a right thirst on, so shift."